****employee Handbook****
[ALIGN=LEFT]UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
-It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
-If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
-Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
LoOoL
just imagen that u have a a handbook like this... u'll be already a history from the first day of work...
With My Regards
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have a nice weekend 
