Petals
03-04-2005, 01:18 PM
Hello frds.
I've been trying to write this for months, until I fed up with it, and shouted "it's enough".
Then,I've put it in a web site, not just hoping for reviews, but at least just to tell me is it fair or not.
Finally I got one review, that made me appreciate it, as this would be my first ever non Arabic short story.And I'm so happy to put it here ( since no much people will read it.lol ) :221:
Denver , ( a member in the site ) rearranged it ( his version I'm putting below ), and to I say:
I'm really happy with the effort you've put on this, reading, reviewing, I appreciate each word, and( Good ) from one person's mouth is fair enough. or even spending the time with it, when if you said people have gave up on it.( hey I had even worst.lol )
And I know it's mostly a one time shot,and I'm treasuring it.
And I'll put his review later :221:
So Denver Thanks again.
Enjoy it below folks:
Sideway
In a sideway where souls keep slipping into, Attempting to chase the delusive light at the end, yet frighten from being lost. Those who've dared to take it, caught up somewhere in the middle, and never came back.
Surrounded by high isolation walls, stretched above humanity's reached, and prevented the sky's appearance.
They said a wise man, wearing a white gown, sowed them from heaven to soak humans exhales, and told a myth of people doomed to live between those walls, asked the living souls to turn back before it's too late if light ever allured them to walk through, repeatedly three times too aware the sucking devil who's locked inside.
****
The night was covering whatever my eyes see, I took a short-even darker- road to my best friend's house, rushing to attend her 18th birthday party, anxiously holding her debt present very tight.
Three times I shake my head to blow up the ghosts hovering inside, when suddenly, I heard slack foot steps closing in, I turned to see a strange looking man, wearing a long black coat. He was just few steps away from me. I was surprised that I haven't noticed him in this silence. A cold wind blow up my hair, I felt scared, and his smile grew even bigger.
While approaching, he asked to walk me till the end of the road, and spread his hand to a point that seamed so far, yet so bright.
For few seconds I was thinking where to hit him, and which road side is closer, but all those thoughts vanished as I looked into his eyes, they were clear and empty, their balls were as wide and deep as an ocean.
I don't know what exactly happened next, or what we've talked about, all I can remember are his last words. "The Thirst Wins"
Taking the same path, where time is lost, I don't know if I ever got out. Everything seamed small and shallow but those walls.
They are getting higher. The rest of the world is no longer reachable. I know I had so many dreams in the past, now all coroneted into one.
Humans are too weak and their importance comes from something they own, and I need so much to survive. The wise man is my enemy, his legacy turned over to many of his loyal followers. It became the game of life between them and us.
I could hear now so clearly what behind those thick walls. Steps, and read their destinies. Some run their lives out, some walk steady. And many more, always not certain.
Like these ones approaching, sneaked mistakenly here, always in a hurry, and enthusiastic, I smiled when I knew who she is.
She put her hand on my shoulder and screamed:
'Where have you been? We were looking all over for you?'
The smell of her living youth was reaching all cells of my dead body. I took a deep –feeding- breath, and whispered. "It's intoxicated".
'Damn. You are so crazy. You finally earned it'. But I stand still not saying a word. In my mind I knew she's a good candidate, yet I wanted her to decide. "Seduce them, and never use force, those who are forced rise again". I remembered what the man in the black coat said.
Trying to escape the long creepy silence, she said: 'So what have you brought for my birthday? Being away won't spare you'
I remembered her teddy bear. His head was turned off and covered with blood somewhere near. It seamed so heavy back then.
'Something not visible'. I said, forcing her to drown in my eyes.
'Don't give me this lecture about the material world, it's totally not your style……… Oh well , go a head I'm listening'.
'How about immortality?'
She gazed a little with her brown eyes, and then burst laughing, her laughter had this funny sound, I remembered.
She said: 'You mean being forever young, and beautiful'.
'I'm giving you a choice, though I can simply make you, I could really use some company here!'..
'And what's the catch?... Every pleasure has a catch.'
Tears were still flooding from her eyes. I felt stirred .Blood gushed into her face, I gazed thirstily to her bulgy vessels. I gulped and said: 'Being a night Owl, wearing the darkness gown, and banned from sunlight'.
She finally stopped, looked at me for a while. A cold wind blow her hair as she was saying:
'Come on, cut it out'.
I could smell her fear, growing, slipping her body, spreading into the air, I become even more dazed. I turned to leave when her lost voice stopped me.
'Come on for God's sake. This is not you. What has happened to my old best friend?'
'You are right'. I said.
The voice of the man with the coat crawled inside me: "Still, Never let them survive these walls"
I went back, held her with both hands, and continued: 'The Thirst Wins'.
I've been trying to write this for months, until I fed up with it, and shouted "it's enough".
Then,I've put it in a web site, not just hoping for reviews, but at least just to tell me is it fair or not.
Finally I got one review, that made me appreciate it, as this would be my first ever non Arabic short story.And I'm so happy to put it here ( since no much people will read it.lol ) :221:
Denver , ( a member in the site ) rearranged it ( his version I'm putting below ), and to I say:
I'm really happy with the effort you've put on this, reading, reviewing, I appreciate each word, and( Good ) from one person's mouth is fair enough. or even spending the time with it, when if you said people have gave up on it.( hey I had even worst.lol )
And I know it's mostly a one time shot,and I'm treasuring it.
And I'll put his review later :221:
So Denver Thanks again.
Enjoy it below folks:
Sideway
In a sideway where souls keep slipping into, Attempting to chase the delusive light at the end, yet frighten from being lost. Those who've dared to take it, caught up somewhere in the middle, and never came back.
Surrounded by high isolation walls, stretched above humanity's reached, and prevented the sky's appearance.
They said a wise man, wearing a white gown, sowed them from heaven to soak humans exhales, and told a myth of people doomed to live between those walls, asked the living souls to turn back before it's too late if light ever allured them to walk through, repeatedly three times too aware the sucking devil who's locked inside.
****
The night was covering whatever my eyes see, I took a short-even darker- road to my best friend's house, rushing to attend her 18th birthday party, anxiously holding her debt present very tight.
Three times I shake my head to blow up the ghosts hovering inside, when suddenly, I heard slack foot steps closing in, I turned to see a strange looking man, wearing a long black coat. He was just few steps away from me. I was surprised that I haven't noticed him in this silence. A cold wind blow up my hair, I felt scared, and his smile grew even bigger.
While approaching, he asked to walk me till the end of the road, and spread his hand to a point that seamed so far, yet so bright.
For few seconds I was thinking where to hit him, and which road side is closer, but all those thoughts vanished as I looked into his eyes, they were clear and empty, their balls were as wide and deep as an ocean.
I don't know what exactly happened next, or what we've talked about, all I can remember are his last words. "The Thirst Wins"
Taking the same path, where time is lost, I don't know if I ever got out. Everything seamed small and shallow but those walls.
They are getting higher. The rest of the world is no longer reachable. I know I had so many dreams in the past, now all coroneted into one.
Humans are too weak and their importance comes from something they own, and I need so much to survive. The wise man is my enemy, his legacy turned over to many of his loyal followers. It became the game of life between them and us.
I could hear now so clearly what behind those thick walls. Steps, and read their destinies. Some run their lives out, some walk steady. And many more, always not certain.
Like these ones approaching, sneaked mistakenly here, always in a hurry, and enthusiastic, I smiled when I knew who she is.
She put her hand on my shoulder and screamed:
'Where have you been? We were looking all over for you?'
The smell of her living youth was reaching all cells of my dead body. I took a deep –feeding- breath, and whispered. "It's intoxicated".
'Damn. You are so crazy. You finally earned it'. But I stand still not saying a word. In my mind I knew she's a good candidate, yet I wanted her to decide. "Seduce them, and never use force, those who are forced rise again". I remembered what the man in the black coat said.
Trying to escape the long creepy silence, she said: 'So what have you brought for my birthday? Being away won't spare you'
I remembered her teddy bear. His head was turned off and covered with blood somewhere near. It seamed so heavy back then.
'Something not visible'. I said, forcing her to drown in my eyes.
'Don't give me this lecture about the material world, it's totally not your style……… Oh well , go a head I'm listening'.
'How about immortality?'
She gazed a little with her brown eyes, and then burst laughing, her laughter had this funny sound, I remembered.
She said: 'You mean being forever young, and beautiful'.
'I'm giving you a choice, though I can simply make you, I could really use some company here!'..
'And what's the catch?... Every pleasure has a catch.'
Tears were still flooding from her eyes. I felt stirred .Blood gushed into her face, I gazed thirstily to her bulgy vessels. I gulped and said: 'Being a night Owl, wearing the darkness gown, and banned from sunlight'.
She finally stopped, looked at me for a while. A cold wind blow her hair as she was saying:
'Come on, cut it out'.
I could smell her fear, growing, slipping her body, spreading into the air, I become even more dazed. I turned to leave when her lost voice stopped me.
'Come on for God's sake. This is not you. What has happened to my old best friend?'
'You are right'. I said.
The voice of the man with the coat crawled inside me: "Still, Never let them survive these walls"
I went back, held her with both hands, and continued: 'The Thirst Wins'.